CNN Fires Piers Morgan for Anti-Gun Talk

I looked directly into the camera lens, gesturing toward the imaginary executives sitting in executive suites high above Manhattan.

“It appears there are quite a few open slots for talking heads on television these days,” I said, a sly smirk tugging at the corner of my mouth. “Can I throw my name into the hat, CNN? I’m sure you’re looking for someone completely unabashed and unfiltered for that straight-shooting, no-nonsense news coverage you pride yourselves on, right? I’d like to step right up and line up for that job.”

I let out a soft chuckle and waved off the thought.

“I’m just playing with you. I know you guys wouldn’t want me. You couldn’t possibly put me on prime-time television. Good grief, P. Diddy doesn’t even want me on Revolt TV, and Russell Simmons couldn’t care less about what I have to say. Alex Jones claims he already has his token Black commentator on staff. Over at The Young Turks, they told me I’m way too brash and aggressive. And Fox News? They said they’ve already got Tommy Sotomayor filling that slot. So I’ve literally got nowhere left to go!”

I held up my hands in mock surrender.

“I’m joking, I’m joking about Tommy, of course. But seriously, folks, what can I even say?”

I leaned forward over the mixing board, getting down to the heart of the story.

“What actually killed Piers Morgan’s career at CNN? Let’s get right to it. What ended his run was the fact that he was talking about firearms all the time. The reaction from firearm advocates was fierce and intensely opposed to him. And honestly, I suppose that’s understandable in this country. They are gun owners, and when you start speaking out against firearms, people always say your career will go the way of the dodo bird. And I reckon that’s true.”

I picked up my mug, remembering my own brush with controversial topics on the platform.

“I remember doing a video on Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty, and I received an overwhelming wave of backlash for it,” I admitted, looking down at the scarred wooden desk. “I could probably be twice as big as I am right now if I had just kissed up to Phil Robertson. But the folks bashing me didn’t realize something fundamental: a man like Phil Robertson doesn’t want another man kissing up to him in the first place.”

I tapped my fingers against the microphone arm, reflecting on the media landscape.

“Still, I have to take note of how that whole anti-gun stance can sink a career,” I mused. “The cardinal rule seems to be: do not talk against firearms. Oh wait… darn it. I already did a video on that very topic, didn’t I? Well, I’m already down that road, so I might as well stay true to who I am.”

I held up a hand to clarify my position to the audience.

“No, no, look—my stance on firearms is actually quite nuanced. I simply think we ought to have universal background checks. But apparently, even that is asking way too much for some people. They hear ‘background checks’ and instantly start treating you like some kind of fascist tyrant. You just can’t win in this climate. You really can’t win.”

I softened my tone, offering a word of comfort to viewers across the country.

“Anyway, if you happen to be a big fan of Piers Morgan, don’t be too upset or downhearted like I was earlier,” I said. “He’s going to be just fine. He’s already moving on to host another major gig. Simon Cowell picked him up before his seat at CNN even had time to get cold. He bounced right onto the next project like a classic Jay-Z track.”

I gestured toward the screen displaying national television ratings.

“He’s heading over to be one of the judges on America’s Got Talent,” I explained. “That’s one of the highest-rated shows in the entire nation, right up there in the ratings alongside Duck Dynasty. It’s a massive show, and Simon Cowell can’t be everywhere at once. It just goes to prove that age-old saying: you truly can’t keep a British man down. Piers has already rebounded, just like I know Jay Leno will if he ever decides he wants to make a comeback.”

I stared out the window into the quiet night, watching the tail lights of cars cruising down the distant interstate.

“I just find the whole media industry fascinating,” I concluded softly. “A lot of these commentary hosts don’t really pick a lane. A lane picks them, and sometimes that lane leads straight to a dead end. But in Piers Morgan’s case, he’s going to be completely fine.”

I gave a casual nod toward the lens.

“Hey, CNN… call me. Or don’t.”